Juggalos Provide… Interesting Sex Advice

by Kate MacRae (CHARTattack)

Sometimes websites have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find story ideas. But it seems as though “love/sex/culture” website nerve.com broke through the bottom of that barrel and kept going to find the idea behind one of their recent advice columns.

“Sex Advice From Juggalos” was partially written by two Juggalos, including a 25-year-old man nicknamed Dirty Byrd (no real name provided) and Wes, 19, and one 25-year-old Juggalette named Ninjalette.

(In case you’re confused: Juggalos and Juggalettes are what Insane Clown Posse fans call themselves.)

The column is supposed to enable young women to attract that special Juggalo in their life. Why any self-respecting girl would be interested in an overgrown manchild in clown make-up is beyond me, but hey… maybe that’s what turns some girls on.

Here are some of the questions that were answered:

“I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Should I just give up?”

“Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?”

“I was really into this girl. Recently I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is ‘terrible taste’ an okay reason to break things off?”

The three Insane Clown Posse fans provided some pretty sage advice… for hicks and people who have probably never left their parents basement.

In response to the question, “I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not even a little bit. Should I end it?” Dirty Byrd reveals that Juggalos will go for just about anything with boobs:

“Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us,” he says, but that’s just probably because they have to take what they can get.

Ninjalette also reveals the Juggalo secret to cheating girlfriends — if they want to hook up with their female friends, that’s great. Just ask if you can watch.

Truly the stuff solid relationships are made of.

Thanks for the great advice, Nerve. Now, I know to stay the hell away from Juggalos because sorry, doing it in clown make-up? That’s the stuff phobias are made of, not pornos.

But really, what can we expect from a website that also offers sex advice from D&D and World Of Warcrack players?

Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us. – Juggalos discuss sex

Sex Advice From Juggalos

This is fucking disgusting. No self-respecting woman would sleep with juggafilth.

Sex Advice From Juggalos
BY JUSTIN JUUL

“Dirty Byrd,” 25

I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Should I just give up?
No, that’s fine. My friend Cliff is with this little tiny girl who keeps to herself. I think she actually works as a librarian. It really doesn’t matter. There’s no, like, hard criteria for it. I guess if you’re part of the family it’s easier, but nobody’s going to turn you away for being an outsider.

What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
I don’t know if there really is a best way. We’re all pretty perverted, I guess. We like tattoos and piercing and all that — goth-looking girls, you know.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Oh shit, where do I start? I was at a Miss Juggalette Pageant one night and I saw a girl get onstage and shove a twelve-inch kielbasa up her neden hole. Juggalos can’t dance, you know? So I guess they got to do something.

Wait, what’s a neden hole?
Oh, we call vaginas nedens.

Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I don’t — my girl’s not into that kind of shit — but that’s actually a pretty big thing with Juggalos. I was talking to one of my homies the other day and he was like, “Yeah, we got all painted up and made a porno last night.” So it happens, definitely. I remember back in 2003, 2004 there was tons of it around, just like bootleg Juggalo porn. People all painted up. It was pretty crazy.

I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not even a little bit. Should I end it?
No. If you love a girl, then that shouldn’t matter. Unless she’s, like, all gung-ho and trying to convert you. Then maybe you can kick her to the curb. Most things are cool with Juggalos. I’ve seen dudes with 300-pound girls with facial hair and it’s all good. Big, fat, bald, retarded — it’s all good with us.

I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is “terrible taste” an okay reason to break things off?
No. But it’s a good reason to just make fun of them.

My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
I guess if it was a drunken bar night, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Girls do stuff like that, you know. But if you come home and they’re all over each other on the couch, you’d probably be within your rights to get a little pissed. If they ask you join in, that could be another story, I guess. But I’m not too into lesbians to tell you the truth, so I’d probably be a little angry.

“Ninjalette,” 25

What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
The best way to catch a ‘lo or a ‘lette’s eye is to be yourself. We don’t like players or liars. Be confident. Face paint helps, too.

I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Do I still have a shot?
Yes, you do. At the moment, I myself am in a relationship with someone who isn’t a Juggalo.

I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not even a little bit religious. Should I end it?
No, that’s just silly. If you really like this girl, you shouldn’t dump her over her religion. ICP themselves is, in fact, very religious. If you’re a Juggalo, I advise listening to “The Unveiling” from The Wraith: Shangri-la album and “Miracles” from Bang! Pow! Boom! to fully understand the message they’re trying to put out there.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a Juggalo event?
Full-blown orgies with everybody in clown paint. Faygo everywhere, and lots of naked flesh.

Do Juggalos really have sex in clown makeup?
Some of us do, yes. It lets out the inner you that you’re afraid to show normally. It’s quite a thrill.

My girlfriend hooked up with one of her girlfriends and I got mad. She said it didn’t count as cheating, but I’m pissed. Isn’t it cheating no matter who it’s with?
Yeah, okay, she did the dirty on you, but wouldn’t it turn you on to watch them one day? I suggest a serious sit down and talk with each other. See what you’re both looking for in this relationship. If she wants more than you and you can’t handle it, maybe it’s time to move on.

Wes, 19

What’s the best way to pick up a Juggalo?
The best way to catch my eye is to be true to who you are. If you say you are about something, then be about it. Piercings and tattoos are a plus.

I’ve got my eye on a Juggalo, but I’m not a Juggalette. Do I still have a shot?
I have dated a couple of girls who weren’t ‘lettes. Most Juggalos don’t care if you are or aren’t. If a ‘lo connects with a girl then he’s going to like her and possibly date her. It is possible.

Do Juggalos have sex in clown makeup?
I’ve only done this once and she wasn’t even a Juggalette. So I guess you can say we do; I’m pretty sure most of us have tried it.

I’ve been getting serious with a guy. The more I get to know him, the more I realize he’s super Christian. I’m not, even a little bit. Should I end it?
This wouldn’t be a big deal for me unless she is a pushy Christian. Then I may have a problem because she isn’t respecting my beliefs. But most Juggalos I know are Christians and go to church often. But there are some, such as myself, who are atheists or practice other religions.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve seen at a juggalo event?
The craziest thing I’ve seen was at the last concert on Mother’s Day here in Memphis. This chick was getting fucked during the concert and her “man,” or whatever he was, was hitting it from behind. I was in front of her so she started kissing my neck. I was like “Get the fuck off me!” That’s hands down the craziest.

I’m dating a guy who doesn’t smoke. I don’t want to seem like a junkie, but the sex isn’t as good with out it. Is it okay to sneak off and get high before we go to bed?
Well, I for one don’t smoke weed. Nor have I had sex while high. It’s just not worth going to jail, or the money you paid for it. There are a million and one things I could think of buying instead of pot.

I was really into this girl. Recently, I looked through her iPod and noticed it was nothing but Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. Is “terrible taste” an okay reason to break things off?
No. She probably thinks the same about your music. But just because she listens to that type of music does not make her undatable. Just like liking ICP or other bands like them doesn’t make you a Juggalo. Any true Juggalo knows this. So don’t be so quick to judge.

Sex Advice From Juggalos

That shit is fucking unbelievably pathetic. If i was a juggalo I would be fucking mortified by it.

Russian ‘Sex Day’ To Boost Births

Join the offical land of the banned Messageboard

The governor of Ulyanovsk region in Russia is offering prizes to couples who have babies in exactly nine months – on Russia’s national day on 12 June.
Sergei Morozov wants couples to take the day off work to have sex. If a baby is born on national day, they will receive cars, TVs or other prizes.

Mr Morozov has declared Wednesday “family contact day” as part of efforts to fight Russia’s demographic crisis.

The population has sharply declined since the Soviet Union collapsed.

This is the third year that Ulyanovsk, in central Russia, is offering prizes for babies born on 12 June.

This year, a couple won the grand prize of a sports utility vehicle (SUV).

The initiative seems to be paying off, as the region’s birth rate has risen by 4.5% over the last year.

“If there’s a good, healthy atmosphere at home within the family, if the husband and wife both love each other and their child, they will be in good spirits… so there’ll be a healthy atmosphere throughout the country,” Mr Morozov told the Associated Press news agency.

Demographers estimate that Russia could lose 40 million people – almost a third of its current population – by the middle of the century.

A combination of falling birth rates, emigration and an ailing healthcare system has led to the decline.

President Vladimir Putin has introduced a scheme to encourage more children.

Women who have a second or third child are eligible to receive $9,000, which can be used to pay for education or home purchases.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6990802.stm

land of the banned *Charters a plane to Russia*

Man Arrested For Having Sex With a Picnic Table

40 year old Art Price, Jr. of Bellvue, Ohio was arrested after he was videotaped having sex with his picnic table.

A neighbor videotaped the incidents and reported them to police. Price admitted to the crimes and was charged with four counts of felony public indecency.

Generally these charges are considered misdemeanors, but due to the fact that the incidents occurred within the vicinity of a school, Price’s charges were upgraded to felonies.

Price was released on his own recognizance awaiting trial.
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Cops Taser & Kill Naked Sex Offender

DEERFIELD BEACH, Florida – Authorities in South Florida say a man who was found naked on the street and violently resisted arrest died shortly after officers stunned him with a Taser.

Broward Sheriff’s deputies say 41-year-old James Garland was spotted naked wandering through traffic waving his shirt after 4 a.m. Friday.

After officers used the stun gun on him, he was transported to a hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.

Police say Garland was a registered sex offender who had been arrested 10 arrests in Broward County since 2002, mostly for cocaine-related charges.

LOL this is why u dont smoke crack

57-Year-Old Woman Thought Lump was Cancer and Not a Baby

A British woman, 57, could thank her lucky stars that a lump she thought was ovarian cancer, turned out to be her first pregnancy. She was 7-months pregnant when test revealed she was to have a girl.

Susan Tollefsen, will be one of the oldest known mothers in Britain when she has a Caesarean next week to deliver the child. Several IVF treatments failed prior to this pregnancy, which she thought she miscarried.

“I was lying on the examination table thinking, ‘I’m going to die’ when the sonographer turned round to me and said ‘Congratulations’. My initial reaction was to think, ‘What a terrible way to tell me I’ve got ovarian cancer.”

Dude gets internationally played AND goes to jail..

Man Caught in Sweden to Virginia Sex Sting

ARLINGTON, Va. – Police have arrested a man accusing of traveling from Sweden to Virginia to have sex with a teenage girl.
Arlington County Police say Jesper Lundberg, 41, met an undercover detective online and arranged to pay to have sex with the detective fictitious 14-year-old daughter. Lundberg is from Jarfalla, Sweden.

Investigators say Lundberg made airline and hotel reservations this week, then traveled 16 hours to Virginia from his home in Sweden.

Lundberg was arrested at his hotel Thursday without incident. He is being held at the Alexandria Adult Detention Center.

Lundberg is charged in federal court with traveling to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor and enticement of a minor.

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